Clomid or Femara

So I've been pretty quiet here on my blog in the last week. I fell into a bit of a depression and I truly think that the Clomid had a lot to do with it as I've never felt this low before. I spent a good portion of last weekend and all this week fighting back tears over all these swirling thoughts I had in my head. It was horrible. At one point I felt like I should temporarily give up trying to have a baby because of the nasty side-effects of the Clomid.

Clomid is just too hard on me. Physically and emotionally. When I take it I gain weight and with me already being plus-size, it's hard to cope with. And the worst of it all, it makes me feel crazy. I get extremely emotional and end up with a very short fuse (which is unlike me).

I talked to Ricardo last weekend about not taking Clomid any more and he got very upset with me. Having a baby is just as important to him as it is to me, but I was upset that he didn't understand how I was feeling. I just wanted him to understand how stressful it is for me to deal with and that the Clomid wasn't making my or his life any easier.

It's bad enough that I already feel defective because my body doesn't work the way it should. Then on top of that I have to wake up each morning to take my temperature, worry about when good ole' aunt flow should come (but never does), count my "cycle days", then take all these crazy fertility medications and go to the doctors to be given uncomfortable ultrasounds several times a week in HOPES that the pills have worked and that my follies are growing at a 'normal' rate. And when the medicine doesn't work and my follies don't grow, I get to go home and feel like a failure because I'm a woman who can't have children. It's emotionally draining.

I want to have a baby and I want to be able to give my husband a baby. I just wish things were easier and that I wouldn't have to take these medicines that turn me into a psycho-path.

Right now it seems as if my only other option is Femara, which a friend of mine on a message board I frequent reminded me of. It's similar to Clomid and seems to have about the same success rate, with little to no side-effects. The only difference is that Femara was actually manufactured to be a breast cancer drug, but has shown to do the same thing Clomid does for women. Why didn't I think of Femara before? Probably because I didn't do my research and just assumed it would make me feel the same way that Clomid has.

The logical option would be for me to switch to Femara, however I don't know if my RE will want me to try Clomid one more time before switching to Femara or not. (God, I hope not!) I really don't know if I can take another month in Clomid hell...

Whatever I decide to do, it will be decided in the next week or so. I just pray that whatever decision I make, it's the right one.

Ruby see's a...

So I finally got my Ruby reading back. I was pretty excited to read it. It's weird because most of the personality sounds just like Ricardo. Here's what it says below!

Thanks so much for letting me read for you! I really enjoyed it and I wish you get all you desire! Please let me know you got this and if you need any clarifiation. Also if you could please pass my information around that would be great My new site to order a reading is at http://rubysreadings.angelfire.com or you can also order a reading at http://www.myspace.com/babiesaregems Much Love. Ruby

I'm seeing a conceive or find out with a bfp between May and Sept of 2009. I see a boy. With your son I'm seeing him being a BIG fighter and survivor. I see him being able to go through the toughest of things whether they are emotional challenges or physical challenges. Say a big physical fight with someone, I see him coming out like a rose with hardly a scratch on him. He will always stand up for his rights and what he believes in without ever having any shame about it. Always having a real grit about it and remaining true to his ideals and who he is no matter what. I also see him being a fighter in a sense where he will protect his loved ones with a big fierceness as he would rather take a blow to his body or self esteem than have someone he cares about get it. I also see your son being the kind that will grasp the concept of things very quickly. Even when he's little he will catch on quick even if something that is being talked about is "adult talk". I see him knowing what is really meant behind the words. He will be the kind of child that learns things very fast whether its riding a bike, learning algebra, or learning to tie his shoes and I'm often seeing him in excelerated classes because of this. I wish you a speedy bfp!

Baby Psychic

So today I decided to follow in the footsteps of many women who are trying to conceive and pay for a baby psychic reading from "Ruby".

Who is Ruby you may ask? She's a psychic and she specializes in determining when you might conceive a baby and if so, what sex your child will be. (She also does other personal readings as well). Her readings start out at $8 and go up from there. I paid for the $10 readings which she will tell me when she sees me conceiving a child, what that child's sex will be, and that child's personality.

Now before I get a bunch of haters on here telling me this is all a bunch of bull spit, I have to say that I have always been very skeptical of fortune telling, psychics, etc... BUT for some reason I have always been fascinated by the unknown. I'm not saying that Ruby is truly psychic, but from what I've researched on her, she does indeed have a 95% accuracy rate with her pregnancy readings. (All of the women on the infertility sites I visit absolutely rave about her).

So did I pay for this reading because I want to know? Sure. Who wouldn't? I'm just as curious as the next person. Am I going to put my complete and utter faith into what my reading says? Probably not. I more or less did this for fun and because I had the extra $10.00 to spend. If it comes true, then wonderful!

So when I get my reading back, I'll be sure to post it here for all to read. :)

So I come home from work two nights ago and upon walking into my bedroom I see my bra on the floor. I'm thinking to myself, 'how did that get there'? Upon closer inspection I see that the straps are gone. Completely GONE! I look over at Ari and he's sitting there wagging his tail.





He looked so pathetic I couldn't even yell at him for eating it! And seeing as there were no "crumbs" left over from his mid-day snack, I knew it was all in swimming around in his tummy... metal parts and all! Since Ari was acting normal I decided that we'd just keep an eye on him and hope that he would hack it all up eventually. The first night, nothing. By morning there was still nothing. I was hoping we wouldn't have to take him to the vet.

By that night he still hadn't thrown up and was acting perfectly normal so I figured maybe he was going to pass it. Nope. I'm woken out of a dead sleep at 5:30 am with Ari heaving on the floor. I didn't want him to yack on the carpet, so I rushed him outside. When I let him in he seemed fine so I tried to go back to bed but Ari had other plans.

He started heaving again so I grabbed a towel and followed him around the room until he brought his strappy snack back up (ewwwwwww!) And not only did the bra straps and metal come back up, but he had a hidden snack I didn't know about! Duct tape, all in its silver glory! LOL. (How in the hell he got a hold of duct tape, I have no clue!)

After that he was back to his bouncy self and went on to eat a big bowl of his food. We never have problems with him eating random stuff like that, so I don't know what the deal with that was! I hope he doesn't make a habit out of this in the future!


(I didn't do it!)

So I finally get a call back from the RE's office yesterday afternoon. Thankfully it was one of the nicer, more caring nurses! (Some of the nurses there are so damn insensitive and rude).

She told me that my doctor looked over my ultrasound scans and determined that this is a 'bad response' to the Clomid this month (duhhhh) and she said that the doctor would like for me to take 100 mg of Clomid during the next cycle.

I was instructed to call the office the next time aunt flo arrives and they would send a prescription to my pharmacy. My only problem with waiting around for aunt flo to come around is that she NEVER comes around. My cycles in the past have been really long and this very last cycle was a whopping 84 days which had to be ended by taking Provera! That's a lot of waiting!

I explained to the nurse that I didn't want to sit around for almost three months waiting, so I asked her if I could take Provera if nothing happens. She seemed kinda reluctant but told me to wait until cycle day 35 and if aunt flo still hadn't arrived, they would write me the prescription for Provera. So now we're looking at mid March sometime. Grrrr. Patience has never been one of my strong points.

I'm anxious to get this next cycle started, but I'm nervous about taking the Clomid again. 100 mg is double what I was taking before so I don't know if the side effects are going to be worse or stay the same. Either which way I'll be a raving, hormonal b*tch for the month I take it. Hopefully by the time this is all said and done, Ricardo will still want to be married to me!

The beginning...

I'm going to just jump right in and get this blog started. I could go back over the past several years and write about everything that got us to this point, but it would probably bore you (as well as me).

My husband Ricardo and I have been trying to conceive a baby for over 2 1/2 years now with no luck. As it turns out, I have PCOS (Poly-Cystic Ovarian Syndrome) which makes having a baby that much more difficult. We started seeing an RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) in Septbember 2008 and I was put on 50mg of Clomid daily (in addition to my Metformin that I had already been taking).

Soon after starting the Clomid, I had a Saline Infusion Sonohysterogram that reavealed I had a fibroid tumor within my uterus. I was instructed to stop TTC and surgery was scheduled for December of 2008. The fibroid was removed and I was cleared to begin trying to conceive again.

The problem?

I had to wait for good ole' Aunt Flo to arrive and she never did. I waited through the entire month of December and almost all of January before I called the doctor for a script for Provera. After taking the Provera for ten days, Auto Flo made her arrival on February 7th. I was quite excited and ready to start taking the Clomid again.

I took my clomid on CD (cycle day) 3-7 as instructed and then I waited. I had to go into the RE's office CD 11 for a follicle scan to check how the follies were growing. They were all very small still and really had not grown much. I was then instructed to come back on CD 14 for another scan to see if there was any growth. By then they were 8mm & 9mm. I was then told to come in for just one more scan on CD 17 (which is today) in hopes that they were just 'slow growers'.

So this morning I go in for the scan and of course, it wasn't good news. I had two follies, 7mm & 8mm. They had actually shrunk! I wasn't surprised though - I knew it wasn't going to be good. The last time I took Clomid I did ovulate (CD 18) and I knew the pills were working because my ovaries felt heavy and full... it was just an uncomfortable feeling. However, this time around I didn't feel much. Maybe some twinges here and there, but nothing at all like the first time on Clomid.

I can't figure out why the Clomid worked the first time and not the second. The ultrasound technician as well as the nurse didn't know either, but they said they would call me this afternoon after they spoke with the doctor about where to go from here. At first I was quite upset that the follies weren't growing, but I've since come to terms that this cycle is pretty much a bust and there's really nothing they can do to save it. I know there will be more cycles to come and more times to try again. I'm really making an effort to stay positive and upbeat, but some days it's hard. I know things will happen when they're supposed to and there's no way I can speed up the process. I just have to let things happen as they will and take each day in stride.

So, now I'm patiently sitting here, waiting for the RE's office to call. Once I get word from them, I'll update again.

Thanks for reading - more to come later!
- Kari