Clomid or Femara

So I've been pretty quiet here on my blog in the last week. I fell into a bit of a depression and I truly think that the Clomid had a lot to do with it as I've never felt this low before. I spent a good portion of last weekend and all this week fighting back tears over all these swirling thoughts I had in my head. It was horrible. At one point I felt like I should temporarily give up trying to have a baby because of the nasty side-effects of the Clomid.

Clomid is just too hard on me. Physically and emotionally. When I take it I gain weight and with me already being plus-size, it's hard to cope with. And the worst of it all, it makes me feel crazy. I get extremely emotional and end up with a very short fuse (which is unlike me).

I talked to Ricardo last weekend about not taking Clomid any more and he got very upset with me. Having a baby is just as important to him as it is to me, but I was upset that he didn't understand how I was feeling. I just wanted him to understand how stressful it is for me to deal with and that the Clomid wasn't making my or his life any easier.

It's bad enough that I already feel defective because my body doesn't work the way it should. Then on top of that I have to wake up each morning to take my temperature, worry about when good ole' aunt flow should come (but never does), count my "cycle days", then take all these crazy fertility medications and go to the doctors to be given uncomfortable ultrasounds several times a week in HOPES that the pills have worked and that my follies are growing at a 'normal' rate. And when the medicine doesn't work and my follies don't grow, I get to go home and feel like a failure because I'm a woman who can't have children. It's emotionally draining.

I want to have a baby and I want to be able to give my husband a baby. I just wish things were easier and that I wouldn't have to take these medicines that turn me into a psycho-path.

Right now it seems as if my only other option is Femara, which a friend of mine on a message board I frequent reminded me of. It's similar to Clomid and seems to have about the same success rate, with little to no side-effects. The only difference is that Femara was actually manufactured to be a breast cancer drug, but has shown to do the same thing Clomid does for women. Why didn't I think of Femara before? Probably because I didn't do my research and just assumed it would make me feel the same way that Clomid has.

The logical option would be for me to switch to Femara, however I don't know if my RE will want me to try Clomid one more time before switching to Femara or not. (God, I hope not!) I really don't know if I can take another month in Clomid hell...

Whatever I decide to do, it will be decided in the next week or so. I just pray that whatever decision I make, it's the right one.